Are you in Perimenopausal Depression and Looking for Answers?

 

Me at age 50

At age 48 and onwards, I dealt with episodes of depression during which I would often feel overwhelmed with a profound sense of sadness and a strong desire for answers. I call them episodes because they arrived monthly and lasted two or three weeks at the end of a period, clearing up again until the next period arrived. 

This depression was different than PMS which usually struck me before a period. When I shared my story with my doctor, she didn't see any correlation to my hormones.  But I was certain these debilitating episodes I hated were related to my changing hormonal cycle. I was, after all, in perimenopause.

At the time, I also experienced heavy menstrual bleeding, accompanied by intense night sweats and hot flashes during the day. (As a result of hot flashes, for the next 15 years, I would rarely wear a sweater.)

Art by Rosalie Garde
Find more on Facebook or Instagram

What about HRT?

Some women opt for HRT (hormone replacement therapy) to relieve certain symptoms, while others choose to manage the symptoms on their own. I tried to manage my depression with supplements. But none were working. Inwardly I begged to try an antidepressant but I was afraid of doing so. There was still a stigma associated with them in my mind.

My doctor at the time told me no HRT would help with the depression even if they were a contributor. Instead, she prescribed an anti-depressant and recommended that I sign up for mental health therapy. I did. 

Some women may not even realize that they are experiencing depression related to hormones. They blame other things--a midlife crisis, the lack of a job, their husband, the city they live in, their lack of friends, cash, their children, and so on. This can be dangerous. Seeking help to address the root of the depression is important, though it can be a long journey to walk through. What I mean is, certainly life factors can contribute to depression. Changes may be needed. But often depression of this nature is due to a chemical imbalance in the brain. Tweaking it may make a difference with how you cope with life's challenges.

Once we moved and I started with a new doctor, I continued on the same anti-depressant and received great advice for the hot flashes. The doctor said when I could no longer stand the hot flashes she'd prescribe HRT. 

Not too long after that conversation, I returned to her office. There, I sat on her examining table drenched in sweat, the paper sheet stuck to me. She was convinced. Once I began HRT (around age 53), the night sweats and hot flashes stopped almost instantly.  (A couple of years later, I weaned off them feeling I'd gotten over the worst of it.) 

Other Coping Strategies

It is important to recognize that some women are helped through menopausal challenges by getting more rest, broadening their social circle, spiritually feeding their souls, and sometimes signing up for mental health therapy with a licensed therapist as I did. Others will take an antidepressant. 

If you're struggling with midlife challenges, don't struggle alone. Find another woman to share with, if possible. Gather professionals around you to provide guidance. My doctor referred to this as building my 'team'. My team includes a mental health therapist as needed, my family physician, a naturopath now and then, social connections when I can get them, my massage therapist, my church, and so on. 

If you're married, share your concerns with your husband. Tell him what it is you need from him. For me that included telling him when I needed a hug, empathy, understanding, conversation, to get my 10,000 words out (that women are apparently in need of) and so on. Explain to him that he is not the problem, but you need to get a grip on your emotions since perimenopause is tricky to navigate. Thank him for his support. 

POINTS TO PONDER

• There are solutions for hot flashes/night sweats. If they get intolerable, speak to your doctor.
  
  
• Mental health therapy with a certified counselor when depressed can be very helpful, don't fear it.
  
  
• Don't be afraid to take an anti-depressant medication recommended by your doctor if your brain chemistry needs tweaking.
  
  
• Research HRT. There is much that debunks former fears. Talk to others who take HRT and hear their thoughts. 
  
  

Stay encouraged with this quote from Rick Warren from The Purpose Driven Life, page 31:

"If you have felt hopeless, hold on!

Wonderful changes are going 

to happen in your life

as you begin to live it on purpose.

God says, "I know what I am planning for you...

'I have good plans for you,

not plans to hurt you.

I will give you hope and a good future.'"

"God is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of--infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes."

Are You Facing Challenges of PeriMenopause or Menopause?

22
Doodle Artwork by R. Garde
Canadian Artist

Years ago, I read a book geared to the different stages of a woman's life, including perimenopause and menopause. These chapters could have easily been entitled "Midlife Crisis and Women."

I say this because aside from describing the physical challenges a woman faces during this phase, it shared stories about the emotional and mental challenges that some women also face.

Women described their stories like this [revised from memory]:

...I had hot flashes at inconvenient times. I always felt  I needed to announce them, but my husband really didn't want to know. But I wanted him to know because we're close in age and I wanted us to go through this together! After all, if my fertility were drying up, shouldn't he be aware of it? Isn't it the end of "our" fertility?

...I noticed new wrinkles on my face and a double chin. I needed to colour my hair more often. 

...No matter how hard I exercised I continued to gain weight, I hated my reflection. I didn't like seeing photos of myself. 

...I wanted to look great at my daughter's high school graduation, but I felt frumpy and self-conscious. I wanted my husband to be attracted to me, but he was getting really lousy (or lazy) about giving me compliments--when I needed them most..." Who was I turning into? I missed the old cute me.

Doodle Artwork by R. Garde
Canadian Artist

MIDLIFE WOES

Many women in midlife women have complaints common to those described above.

Topics such as these are rarely addressed in Christian circles, at work, or even in family circles. I once brought up at a Christian women's breakfast that I was dealing with horrific hot flashes. A woman nearby said, "Oh, I faced that years ago." And changed the conversation.

I don't know if I expected someone at our table to share solutions or to tell their own story of hope. I don't recall why I even shared that detail, but I do know that I tend to blurt out how I'm feeling without thinking.

Many women seem to pretend they're okay or joke about the menopausal process, not revealing their own inner turmoil.  But why the secret?

FACING CHALLENGES  

Not every woman may feel she has midlife challenges. Some get few noticeable symptoms related to perimenopause or menopause. My mother-in-law insisted she noticed nothing unusual. 

But for those who do have noticeable changes, it can sometimes help to label them and to understand that many other women have similar challenges. It can help to hear what steps other women have taken to journey through the phase.

More artwork can be found here: 
https://fineartamerica.com/profiles/rosalie-garde

Disruptive Challenges of 

Perimenopause and Menopause 

Several challenges associated with perimenopause or menopause can significantly disrupt the daily lives of women. For example, persistent depression may afflict some, defying resolution despite their efforts. Others may find themselves needing excessive amounts of sleep, while some battle with chronic insomnia, which can significantly impair their daily functioning.

Moreover, symptoms like hot flashes or menopausal migraines can monopolize a woman's life, posing hurdles to the completion of routine activities.

These symptoms of perimenopause and menopause can go on for years.

FIND HELP AND ENCOURAGE EACH OTHER

The Bible does not typically suggest discussing menopause or midlife crises when encouraging or helping others who are struggling. However, when women share their feelings, struggles, and solutions, they can help each other.

A Divorce Memoir

 

An acquaintance of mine is sharing her story on this blog and in a memoir she wrote during the pandemic. She felt compelled to write her story after a friend made a glib remark about Amy's past marriage.

Amy, by this time, never talked about her previous marriage and that her friend would bring it up so many years later shocked her.

"She could never know the depth of what I went through." Amy shared. "It is sad that she has framed me as that crumpled bride I was so many years ago. I am not that woman."

So Amy decided it was time to write her story knowing fullwell the friend would never read it, but should anyone read it, she could possibly feel valildated.

Perhaps you will support her by reading her blog or buying her book available in digital form on Amazon.

What story do you have to tell? Have you written your story into a blog or ebook? Have you shared it on social media or with a professional therapist? Is it time to share those details?

Are You in a Midlife Rut?

Are you a Christian woman who loves God but feels stuck in a rut where your personal life is concerned? 

I completely understand the concept of a Christian woman experiencing a midlife crisis. When she was younger, she had her whole life ahead of her. However, as she enters midlife, lots of changes have occurred. 

Some mothers are ready to move on, but their teenage children still need them. I ran the van shuttles, helped shop for prom and grad dresses, drove my daughter to dance classes and son to band practices, arranged for the inlaws to fly in and stay with us in time for my daughter's high school graduation and undertook the prep work for moving our home that would happen a few weeks later. I was busy. But I hadn't moved on in life yet. I dreamt that the upcoming move would solve the answer to my midlife query of what to do with myself in my next life stage that would be fulfilling--where I'd be seen, heard, acknowledged and, perhaps,  paid what I'm worth. 

I trusted God's timing and knew God had ordained our last move. But after our move, I still had to organize the new house, settle each kid into university dorms and run to fetch the kids or bring them groceries for another several years. I didn't just go off to work like many women do though I was able to sell content articles as a freelance writer and do part-time transcription work from home. Those ARE jobs, but in my mind, they were not ideal jobs. I didn't give myself credit due. And part of the reason was because I was still behind my own four walls. I even wrote under pen names. And, what I really needed was socialization to help me feel seen and valuable.    

Not all parents are as doting as I've been, but putting parenting first was a priority I couldn't shake. And in that role, though I knew it was where I needed to be, I felt hidden like a nobody.  

And I see now that over the years I was constantly fighting the Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) and feeling life was passing me by. Yet, I really was living the life of my dreams.  

Accept Yourself 

Finally, I decided that striving to find a greater calling was a stronghold. Focusing on what I didn't have dragged me down more than uplifted me. I would be better off accepting the life God had spelled out for me and telling myself I was enough. 

I've thought of writing a book on acceptance because we are constantly bombarded by self-improvement advice that tells us to change and fix ourselves. But peace is found in noticing the good we carry out and accepting where God has placed us, not fighting it. 

Over time, I have learned to observe my body's behaviour in relation to eating, sleeping, energy, and enjoyment as I started getting more time for myself. As a result, I have created a routine that includes sleeping in, two-hour coffee time after waking with some reading and browsing the internet, followed by completing tasks and dedicating time to work on my passions.

I came to the realization that everything I dedicate my time to can be considered my job. By viewing my life as a calling, responsibility, and job, I am able to create a framework that allows me to better prioritize and focus on what needs to be done, and I am at peace. 

Walking Through Midlife as a Stay-At-Home Mom

Were You/Are You a Stay-At-Home Mom? How is Your Midlife Journey Going?

Your journey as a Christian midlife woman can be enriching and challenging, filled with achievements, moments of reflection, personal growth, and spiritual renewal. Some midlife women reach a pinnacle of career success in midlife. They're doing what they love to do.

For others, midlife can be filled with new emotional and physical challenges, questions, and doubts. I know because I've been there. I've walked through it.

My Midlife Journey

In midlife, I was an at-home mom looking for the next thing to do for myself beyond the home. Because my husband travelled for work and we took job transfers moving across the country a few times, we agreed it made sense for me to stay home to be the main caregiver of the children and maintainer of the household. It just made things a lot easier for us, myself included. And, it was where my heart was. I believe that's the choice God led me to.

By midlife, the children were reaching important milestones and, as a mother, I was happy to do my best to support them. However, I couldn't help but feel my world had become too small. I yearned for something new, but I was unsure what that might be.

I wasn't prepared to launch into a full-time job outside the home. I looked at part-time opportunities instead besides the office cleaning I did at my husband's business office and the newspaper delivery route I took over for my son who failed to do the work. I took those jobs to stay busy and earn a bit of money, but I felt pitiful doing them. I felt like a martyr. I cried often wondering if that was all God had for me.

Looking into new opportunities was an exercise in frustration. I looked at courses to take. I looked at various jobs advertised. I ended up confused and lost.

The journey was very different from looking for work as a twenty-something-year-old. I encountered ageism or whatever you might call it. By then, I was in my mid-forties. During one interview, the interviewer made a sarcastic remark about my work experience saying "But that was ten years ago!"

The Calling and Cost of Being an At-Home Mom

Yes, at-home moms who choose the role as I did, do end up in a bit of a quagmire later on. They want to be seen, heard, and paid for their intellect just as anyone does.

I had a friend who became an at-home mother for a few years before heading back to the workforce. She said her return to work was based on a desire for mental stimulation. I get it. I don't blame her. She had credentials for more and bigger as a professional engineer.

I'd tasted and seen the benefits of being in the paid workforce before I had children. I missed the camaraderie, the pay, and the feeling that I'd spent my day well. Just before the birth of my first child, I'd promised myself to never quit working. So that promise became a stronghold that was hard to shake loose from for years--another cause of midlife restlessness. I felt I'd betrayed my promise to myself. But there were the children to consider. And they got out of school at 2:30. I didn't want them to be latch-key children left on their own.

But just as my friend expressed, I had a desire for greater mental stimulation too. That became the root of my restlessness for many years. I begged God for the right fit - a fulfilling part-time job that would allow me to be home in time for my children's care - because my family responsibilities would always come first. It's how I am wired.

Finally, at one point, I was hired for a job from 10 am to 2 pm as an Administrative Specialist. They offered me such low pay, it was a joke. On the surface, it seemed obvious I should take it though and perhaps work my way back into the workforce. And though there was a check in my spirit, I went ahead with it.

I won't get into it all here but enough to say I hated it and quit after 8 months. I guess I learned what I needed to learn, but it was mostly a negative experience. It was not fulfilling. And since my husband was at work all day and the children at school, neither would appreciate my efforts or see me dressed up in my work clothes.

2 Chronicles 15:7  But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded.”

The Bind an At-Home Mom Finds Herself In

The at-home midlife mom will never fully be valued by anyone else besides her children and God. And some moms will question whether they'd chosen well to remain an at-home mom for so many years.

Second-guessing can be part of midlife life inquiry, but for women of God, it's more valuable to trust that God led her to the right path he wanted her to take whether it be for a season or long-term.

God is Faithful 

I will say that through all the years, fears, and doubts, God continued to take care of us and reward my husband with promotions and pay increases. It took time, but we prospered without a second big income from me. And, often, I have had to put to death my sorrow over not being paid what I feel I'm worth even later as a freelance writer. 

I've resigned myself to these thoughts:

1. Trust God has put me where I'm meant to be. 

2. Listen for nudges no matter how silly and follow them.

3. Doing God's work is in the little daily events, not always in jobs with titles and pay. 

4. Trust God to lead me forward day by day.

5. Deal with midlife physical issues as they arise finding the right support.

6. Be alert to outside voices or the enemy's voice that brings discontentment, accusations, or feelings of boredom.

7. Don't compare my life to anyone else's. 

8. Trust that God will say "Well done good and faithful servant" despite my career choice. 

9. The world changes and it's not my fault.

10. Instead of spending precious time comparing myself to others or feeling lowly, focus on my mission in life - to write, to love, to serve, to encourage, and to uplift others.

Things to do when you don't know what to do:

When you drive past a school, pray for its safety, and its students...

When you drive past a person on the street, pray for them.

When you greet a clerk, smile and be friendly.

When you see an opportunity to donate or give, do it.

Go for lots of walks.

Get out in nature.

Read good books.

Go for a massage.

Go for counselling, and if that's not needed, spend time with someone who cares.

Write your prayers to God. 

Take notes when you read encouraging messages. 

Encourage others on social media. 

Create art no matter how good or bad you are at it. 

Take your turn as a volunteer or feel free to say no it's not for me. 

 

Are you in Perimenopause?

I originally wrote this in 2010, but it's worth sharing now as more midlife women enter this life phase. 

Women between 35 & 51 (typically) may be considered to be in a "peri-menopausal" phase hormonally.   Just as puberty brings an onset of change that a young person goes through over three to five years, peri-menopause brings on changes too-- a reverse puberty if you will--that can last anywhere from ten to fifteen years.

The symptoms of perimenopause may include night sweats and/or daytime hot flashes, crashing fatigue, irritability, mood swings, crying spells, depression, weight gain, headaches, brain fog and trouble with memory or concentration.  The symptoms may come and go. 

It's evident that enduring these symptoms over years can be incredibly frustrating and can significantly impact the quality of life for any midlife woman. If you're experiencing the symptoms of perimenopause, know that you're not alone. As a woman in this life phase, it's crucial to prioritize self-care and protect your well-being

"I don't have a cure or remedy for peri-menopause, but it's important to note that if you're feeling off lately - experiencing emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical challenges - it might be related to your hormones. It may not have anything to do with your husband, job, kids, or church."

Remember to ask the Lord to open your eyes and show you what is happening inside you that needs your attention. Share your concerns with Him and inquire if you should take any new steps to take better care of yourself. Additionally, talk to your partner or family members about your struggles so that they can understand what may be affecting your mood.

Partner with other trusted women for advice. And take a day at a time as you navigate this journey most of us take. Feel free to ask for help. 

When Tears Don't Come

When Tears Don't Come

During midlife, I cried easily. I cried when I woke up depressed, sad, or worried. I cried as needed at other times, especially when bored or lonely. And crying often helped me feel better. Crying can trigger the release of endorphins, the body's natural feel-good chemicals. This hormonal response can lead to an improved mood and a sense of emotional well-being after crying. 

Do you cry? Do you feel better after you do?

No Crying in Menopause

I'm beyond midlife and perimenopause now. I'm fully in menopause. I haven't been able to cry for a few years. I remember a woman at church telling me that she was also unable to cry, but I didn't really understand her until now. 

When I feel like I need to cry these days, I simply say to my husband, "I feel like crying." But no tears will come.

Apparently, some individuals find that, as they age, they develop increased emotional regulation (the ability to handle their feelings better) and resilience resulting in a reduced tendency to cry or express emotions outwardly, even when feeling like crying. That might be true for me, but a cry now and then would be okay too. I miss those cleansing tears that help me connect with myself.

Change is Constant

When it comes down to this new revelation on crying, it seems simply that change is part of a woman's life from the time she's born until she passes. Changes are something we navigate on the fly. We are all living life for the first time. And each phase requires we stay kind to ourselves acknowledging that changes in emotional expression are a natural part of life.

As always, there is a time and season for everything. Change is constant though sometimes so slow we don't see it happening. But kindness to ourselves is always something we can keep focused on with the strength of God's loving guidance.

Why Do I Have a Longing for More?

Artwork by Rosalie Garde

THE DEEP LONGING FOR MORE

In a recent post, I mentioned women have a deep longing for more and better. What is this deep longing about?  

I'd like to suggest the longing is really a desire for Jesus and heaven. It's a desire for perfect peace and happiness which isn't sustainable on earth.  That being said, the longing for more is a feeling wired into us from creation. It can be both good and bad. It depends on what our longing is for. 

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal" Matt 6:19 (NIV).

Longing for more things, can be a problem. The verse above tells us not to store up things. But longing for more can be good in that God has work for us to do. He has people for us to see, places for us to go, missions for us to carry out. It's good to not just sit and stay where we are. 

HOW TO FILL THE VOID

Filling the void--the longing for more--begins with acknowledging that you are on this earth for a higher purpose than serving yourself. It's not about you. You are simply an ambassador for God.   

If God has a perfect plan for your life, doesn't it make sense to look for it? 

I don't want to encourage you to spin your wheels stuck in discontentment while you search for new meaning you are sure is evading you. I don't want you to get caught up in trying to force something to happen just for the sake of experiencing a thrilling feeling. I don't want you stuck in a pattern of constant striving followed by disappointment. 

Life is more than charismatic spiritual highs, and trips to sunny climates. When life is in a lull, it doesn't mean something is missing. These lulls are simply part of life.

Ask God for the right balance

God won't make your life perfect and exciting all the time, but he will guide you into his plan if you ask him to lead you daily. Will you be content to live a day at a time?

When God is leading you, chances are, your life won't look like much of anything new is happening. That's how God works for most of us. We plod along until the next unusual moment occurs. 

Our part is to ask God to take authority over our time, choices, energy, and relationships and then to settle into that prayer. To trust he is at work. To trust we are right where he wants us. 

Ask God to lead you into whatever it is he wants you to do in a day. That could mean asking him where to go online, what boundaries to set, where to take a walk, what chores to do, who to text, phone or interact with. 

God rarely shows us the big long-term picture. Even if he does, that big picture is worked out in small steps. Patience is required. Will you trust God to reveal what simple steps to need to take? 

I often pray:

"Lead me where you need me. Open my eyes to see what you need me to see. Open my ears to hear what you want me to hear. Grant me direction. I will listen for your nudges all day long." 

Midlife Crisis Challenges

 

In my eBook tailored for Christian Midlife Women, which is accessible on Amazon, I propose an alternative perspective to addressing midlife dilemmas. Rather than seeking to solve them outright, I encourage the idea of walking through them.

We don't disregard our feelings and say they don't matter. No, we acknowledge them. But we are mindful that this time of questioning and chaos is often a life phase affected by so many variables. Navigating a midlife crisis is not akin to a game of darts where you pinpoint the issue and eliminate it with a well-aimed throw.

Consider the situation where a woman blames her husband for her unhappiness and opts for divorce. It's like assigning blame for a puzzle's complexity to a single piece and discarding it, only to realize that the puzzle's intricacy remains unresolved.

While some women may believe that divorce is the key to their happiness, for instance, that idea is akin to trading a temporary sense of relief for a long-term cost. It's like exchanging a valuable possession for a fleeting satisfaction, only to discover that the true price includes not just emotional but financial impoverishment.

Yes, life is complex. It's not wise to blame your midlife crisis on only one cause.

I share this perspective because many women find themselves on a quest to discover a quick fix for their emotional turmoil.

A midlife woman might say, "If I can just find the right job..." or "If we lived in a bigger house..." or "If I had a different husband..." or "If I were only younger and slimmer..."

Women may attempt to alter their circumstances, making significant decisions that could potentially lead to regret later on.

Through my experiences, I've come to realize that the key may not necessarily lie in changing external circumstances but in transforming how we perceive and feel about them while also taking steps forward that are good for our well-being.

It's crucial to recognize that where we find ourselves when feeling in crisis is often a result of our choices. They might have been very good choices we felt led by God to make. They may be choices based on a sense of calling we had years prior. But in midlife, we begin to second-guess them. And it's easy to question God or even blame him for what feels like a suddenly depressing life.

If I could throw out a proverbial life vest to a woman who feels this way, it would be in the form of a suggestion. I would suggest she become curious about her thoughts and consider their roots, but before dissecting them, to reaffirm her trust that the same God who said he'd lead her has led her and is still leading her now.

For myself, God had led me to a couple of cross-country moves with my husband. We're both introverts and he travelled a lot so it was difficult for me to not feel lonely. I understand it better now that I've done research on my own personality style. At the time, though, my default was to have a depressing pity party.

Those moves we took we felt were led by God. Now, with new emotions rising to the top and experiencing perimenopause, God was leading me to take new steps.

God led me to do Internet research on the topic of Midlife Crisis. He led me to start writing the book pictured above. He led me to talk to my doctor about my depression. He led me to reach out to mental health therapists and life coaches. 

I didn't like the process much. I was scared of those depressed feelings. But they demanded I walk through them a step at a time. 

Today, as you're walking through midlife, can you pinpoint the feelings you're having? Why not list them. Read my book, talk to a professional or friend, and decide what challenges you're being called to walk through now. What might be your next step?

Positives of the Empty Nest

In this blog post, I cited many issues women in midlife deal with especially in the empty nest phase. In this post, I'd like to list some of the positives of this phase when a woman's mothering years change to more of a peer relationship with her adult children: 

Newfound Freedom: With children becoming more independent, women have the opportunity to explore new interests and hobbies, or even embark on personal adventures they may have put on hold.

Professional Reinvention: Career stagnation can be seen as an opportunity for reinvention. Midlife can be the perfect time to pursue new skills, take on different responsibilities, or even consider a career change.

Deeper Connections: Relationship changes may lead to deeper connections with partners, friends, and family. Open communication and shared experiences can strengthen bonds.

Embracing Self-Acceptance: Instead of focusing solely on physical changes, midlife offers a chance for self-acceptance and embracing the wisdom and experiences that come with age.

Clarity in Life Goals: The reevaluation of life goals can lead to a clearer sense of purpose and alignment with personal values. This can bring a sense of fulfillment and direction.

Personal Growth: The transition from caregiving roles allows women the opportunity for personal growth. Exploring new passions, learning, and self-development become possible.

Prioritizing Health and Well-being: Facing health concerns can be a catalyst for prioritizing well-being. Women may adopt healthier lifestyles, including better nutrition and regular exercise.

Rest: Embracing quiet moments and newfound freedom can allow them to indulge in restorative activities, nurturing their well-being and creating a space for personal rejuvenation.

Building New Social Circles: Social isolation can be an opportunity to build new social circles, fostering connections with like-minded individuals who share common interests.

Creating Fresh Challenges: Actively seeking out and creating new challenges can add excitement and purpose to life. This could involve pursuing hobbies, volunteering, or taking on new projects.

Spiritual Exploration: Instead of existential restlessness, midlife can be a time for spiritual exploration and finding deeper meaning. Practices like meditation or joining spiritual communities can provide solace.

Defying Societal Expectations: Breaking free from societal pressures allows women to embrace their authentic selves and redefine success on their terms, promoting a sense of contentment and self-worth.

Remember, each woman's experience is unique, and these positives can be tailored to fit individual circumstances.

Deut 31:8 The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

Tap into New Vision as You Navigate the Empty Nest and Midlife

In midlife, women face new challenges.  Often life as they've known it changes.  Children head off to university, college, move out, or marry. Home dynamics change, often for a time, as some adult children return home to live again. 

The husband and wife relationship may feel different during these changes.  A midlife woman may feel both a sense of relief that she's finished one phase of life, while at the same time experience periods of grief or melancholy knowing the kids are grown up. Relating to adult children becomes a new game a mom may find challenging.

Change is sometimes uncomfortable, but necessary.

Change in the Nest-Emptying Years 

While some husbands want to wind down in midlife and the nest-emptying years, a midlife woman is known for wanting to reboot her life. She might contemplate going back to school, changing jobs, or re-entering the workforce since the children are no longer encroaching on her life. 

But it isn't as easy moving on in the nest-emptying phase as a good 'theory' may suggest. A woman is older. She may have a huge paid-work gap in her resume. Ageism abounds in the workplace, and an older midlife woman will be overlooked in favor of younger women most of the time. A woman's body may be challenged. Perhaps she tires easily. Or, a job standing on her feet all day is too physically demanding now.

While many midlife women go on a search for that 'new thing' that excites them or to pour themselves into, the search can be met with frustration. That doesn't mean searching is wrong. Just do your search with proper expectations. 

 

A Frustration Story 

When we were about to be job transferred for the third time in 20 years, I looked online for glimpses of what I might discover in the new location. I was, by then a paid content writer and certified life coach, but I'd also had a dream of one day working in a community centre where I could use my life coaching skills. When I saw a Christian-based community centre near my new home, I got excited. 

When God gives glimmers, I pursue them. So I applied to volunteer at the centre between my writing work and driving my teen son to school and his work. 

My motivations for applying to be a volunteer were many. I wanted to be out of the house where I could meet new people and feel part of the community. I wanted to start my next adventure to fulfill a long-term longing for feeling like a valuable contributor to society. I hoped it would one day work into a paid job.

But I quickly learned the vision I had of using my life coaching skills with community centre clients would not come true. 

I was put in a little office by myself to do computer work. There would be no interaction with clients. And, in but a short time, I was told I could do the work from home--exactly what I didn't want to do. And then the centre closed permanently. 

It's not the first frustration or death-of-a-dream I have suffered as a midlife woman looking for meaningful connections and something to sink my teeth into. I could share umpteen similar experiences. 

Does this sound familiar to you?

If you have met with dream busters or a lack of focus in knowing where to put yourself next in midlife, I offer you these tips. 

1. Know that many women feel as you do.
2. Changes can make you feel uncomfortable, you aren't manufacturing those feelings.
3. It's okay to not have the answer.
4. It's okay to seek professional help.
5. Searching for answers can be a healthy activity as long as you don't dwell on the disappointments you'll encounter.
6. God is still right there with you.
7. God still has a plan for you.
8. God will help you make the best use of your time and energy if you invite him into each day.
9. Choosing to trust God and live content is the best choice over striving and discontented living.
10. You are beautiful, talented, and lovable and will find joy once you practice looking for it.
11. Stay resilient. Get back up after something fails (and it will). 

How do you navigate these mixed midlife crisis feelings?

First, to deal with mixed midlife crisis feelings, it is paramount you recognize the enemy (Satan) will attack you at your point of vulnerability or weakness. And he'll do it often.  He will try to undermine your marriage, relationships, and your mindset. The enemy will speak discouraging thoughts to you more than you will ever be fully aware of.  

It is very important during this midlife phase to put on spiritual armor.  Employ tactics that will keep you spiritually strong that includes praying, reading scripture, and devouring devotionals or other books by Christian writers.  

Stay aware of negative voices when they pop into your head, and use cognitive behaviour techniques to switch them off.  


Lies of the Enemy

The enemy is very convincing.  He'll get you to say things like, "I feel like a nobody, I feel unappreciated, maybe I should leave my husband..." that type of thing.  But just because the complaints include "I" doesn't mean they're true.  

How you think will affect how you feel and will affect the next things you do.  Be vigilant about not listening to negative voices.  Stop them immediately!

Practical Steps

Here are a few more practical steps you can take in navigating your way through your midlife journey.

• Express your feelings in a journal.  
• Write your worries into prayers and commit them to God.
• Tell a friend how you're feeling.
• Hire a life coach or sign on for counseling.
• Focus on what is going well.

 Use Your Right Brain

Now, here is something I'd like you to try next.  This exercise will tap into your creative right brain.  It will give you a shift in thinking which, hopefully, will help you work through some troubling feelings.

(Some people are more right-brained than others.  Nevertheless, it can help every person to tap into their right brain.  Think about how we all love music.  Music taps into the right brain.  So does art, beauty, and physical movement.)

It might be said the right brain fuels the left brain--the thinking side.  YES!  We do want to fuel that thinking side.  

RIGHT BRAIN EXERCISE

Make a Positive-Thinking Vision Board 

• Gather magazines, scissors, a glue stick and poster paper or card stock.
• As you flip through your positive-thinking books, scriptures, or devotionals, write helpful quotes from them onto your poster.
• (If you have Joyce Meyer magazines, you'll find great quotes in there to cut out.)   
• Use colourful markers for your writing, or cut words out of magazines.
• Decorate the paper around your quotes.
• Add magazine pictures that make you feel alive, hopeful, and cheerful. 
• Tap into romance and beauty by choosing pictures that evoke those ideas--flowers, hearts, sparkly items, and so on. 

Cut, glue, write, and decorate your 
vision board.  
View it.  
Share it with someone.  
Hang it where you can see it often. 

 

A few vision boards I created this past spring.
These are not the ones with the Joyce Meyer
quotes or Bible Verses.

If you do this exercise, I'd love to hear how it went. Did you pray first? Did you hear from God as you looked for quotes or photos? Did adding colour or decorations help you feel more alive? 

For $33 Cdn you will receive an email coaching session where you can share your experience and I will reply.  Tell me where you are in your life journey and what you have put on your vision board.  You can even send me a photo.  Talking about it will help reinforce it and perhaps spark new ideas.  Contact me at this email address to initiate this process. You will pay by paypal or e-transfer (to a different email address) prior to 3 email replies.